Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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