6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
