Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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