you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
