so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
