you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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