His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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