Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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