she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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