I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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