Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
