Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
