when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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