Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize