My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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