Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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