I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
