i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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