You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
my liver is dry heaving
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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