my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
