this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
