i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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