This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
