just tell him i said nine months
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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