Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
