i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
