I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
