Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
