i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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