I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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