Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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