i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
