Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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