Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize