she woke up with a sticky ear
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So here I am, sexting at work.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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