she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
