Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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