She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
last night I used snow as a chaser
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
