The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Randomize