I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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