i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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