Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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