You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
