Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
