Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
