If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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