I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
