You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
