Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
