i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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