Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
