trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
