Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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