Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
