my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
