Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
