Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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